New neuroscience reveals 9 rituals that will make you an amazing parent

New neuroscience reveals 9 rituals that will make you an amazing parentNew neuroscience reveals 9 rituals that will make you an amazing parentWhen kids behave, things are easy. The problem is when you need to discipline them. Most parents know which methods theydontwant to use to correct their children, but arent as sure which methods theyshoulduse.So what is discipline? The word comes from the Latin disciplina - which means to teach. And, in the end, thats what we need mora of. Every time a kid misbehaves its an opportunity to teach them valuable skills like empathy, self-control, problem-solving, and dealing with emotions.Merely punishing kids might stop bad behavior in the short-term but without a lesson, all it teaches them is that whomever has mora power gets to enforce their arbitrary rules. (Hint this does leid bode well for their future relationships.)Yes, you want them to stop painting the toilet purple but you also want them to learn to consider the feelings of others, and build other long-term skills that will help them lead successful, happy lives. And you want them to feel closer to you after a dispute, not further away.FromNo-Drama DisciplineThe research is really clear on this point. Kids who achieve the best outcomes in life- emotionally, relationally, and even educationally- have parents who raise them with a high degree of connection and nurturing, while also communicating and maintaining clear limits and high expectations. Their parents remain consistent while still interacting with them in a way that communicates love, respect, and compassion. As a result, the kids are happier, do better in school, get into less trouble, and enjoy more meaningful relationships.So how the heck do you do all this? (No, a taser is not involved.)You want to connect and redirect. This is the ordnungsprinzip recommended by Daniel Siegel,clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, and Tina Payne Bryson, a pediatric and adolescent psychotherapi st.They are the New York Times bestselling authors ofNo-Drama Discipline The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Yur Childs Developing Mind.Okay, lets get to it 1) ConnectIf yur kid is in mid-yell or mid-cry,they cannot hear what you are saying. Reread that. Get it tattooed on yur body. How logical are you when youre overwhelmed by emotion? And you expect a kid to be any different?So immediately doling out punishments will rarely be processed and just escalate an already bad situation. You need to connect.Connection means showing that youre on their side while still maintaining boundaries. You need to tune into their feelings and show them that you understand. This helps move them from reactivity to receptivity. It allows the emotion to dissipate so they can start using their thinky brain instead of their emotional brain. Connection has 4 partsCommunicate ComfortThey cry, you yell and things get worse, not better. Sound familiar? Because its now a fight for power instead of a conversation. AsNYPD hostage negotiatorsknow, behavior is contagious. If you want to be in a fight, by all means, give an angry look, raise your voice and wag your index finger.If you want this to be a somewhat sane interaction, act like it is one. Communicate comfort. Make them feel safe.ValidateHow do you react when someone dismisses your feelings and tells you stop making a big deal out of this and just calm down? Exactly. So dont expect a child to be any better at it.Validate their feelings - though not all their actions. They need to feel understood in order to calm down. Until the big emotions are out of their way, logic is powerless.ListenYour child is really angry about something. You know what always works? A really long lecture. Going on a rant to someone screaming at the top of their lungs is incredibly effective in showing them the error of their ways and getting them to calm down. No child wouldeverrespond by tuning you out. And make sure to repeat the same points over and over. People love this, especially surly teenagersUm, no.They wont process a thing until they get to talk about how they feel and you show them you understand. So listen.ReflectWhen they tell you how they feel, repeat it back to them. You want to show, not tell.If you say, I know how you feel theyll reply, No, you dont If you say,It really upset you that I wouldnt let you build a nuclear reactor in the basement theyll say, Exactly.After you communicate comfort, validate feelings, listen and reflect, ask yourself one questionAre they ready to hear, learn, and understand? If not, repeat the steps.Whoops, actually theres a second question to ask yourself AmIready? Because if youre overly emotional this will not go well. They need to be calm - but so do you.(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Okay, so youve connected. Now its time to redirect. Thats an acronym because 8 more steps is a lot to remember, especially after junior decides to give the living room wall an unapproved mural. So lets start with R 2)Reduce wordsAgain, listening beats lecturing. If you regularly bemoan your childs short attention span then you should know better than to launch into an hour-long keynote on proper behavior. If it is a big issue, ask questions and guide a conversation, but dont lecture.FromNo-Drama DisciplineWe strongly suggest that when you redirect, you resist the urge to overtalk. Of course its important to address the issue and teach the lesson. But in doing so, keep it succinct. Regardless of the age of your children, long lectures arent likely to make them want to listen to you more. Instead, youll just be flooding them with more information and sensory input. As a result, theyll often simply tune you out.(To learn how to raise emotionally intelligent kids, clickhere.)Alright, youre being brief and getting to the point. Whats next?3)Embrace emotionsAll feelings are permitted all behavior i s not. Do not insist that their emotions be rational or make sense. (If the world welches always rational and made sense, you wouldnt be having this fight and Id be married to Olivia Wilde.)FromNo-Drama Disciplineits what we do as a result of our emotions that determines whether our behavior is OK or not OK. So our message to our children should be, You can feel whatever you feel, but you cant always do whatever you want to do.(To learn how to make sure your kids have grit, clickhere.)Youre being brief and accepting their feelings. Cool. Now how do you actually correct a child?4)Describe, dont preachParents always wonder why their kids tune them out. The answer is simplebecause they know what youre going to say and then you say it anyway.Chances are, they know what they did welches wrong. So instead of lecturing, just call attention to whatever they didThe couch is on fire.This is less likely to put them on the defensive or lead them to tune you out.FromNo-Drama DisciplineThe natura l tendency for many parents is to criticize and preach when our kids do something we dont like. In fruchtwein disciplinary situations, though, those responses simply arent necessary. Instead, we can simply describe what were binnenseeing, and our kids will get what were saying just as clearly as they do when we yell and disparage and nitpick. And theyll receive that message with much less defensiveness and drama.(To learn the science of being a better parent, clickhere.)You gave a description instead of a TED talk. Awesome. But the only way youre really going to get them to learn anything is if theyre engaged 5)Involve your child in the disciplineThis needs to be a dialogue, not summary judgment. Ask questions. Get them to suggest how the situation should be handled and youllorganically shift into talking about right and wrong, and how other people are impacted by your childs behavior. This is how they learn empathy and problem-solving.FromNo-Drama DisciplineOnce youve connected and your child is ready and receptive, you can simply initiate a dialogue that leads first toward insight (I know you know the rule, so Im wondering what was going on for you that led you to this) and then toward empathy and integrative repair (What do you think that was like for her, and how could you make things right?).(To learn how to deal with out-of-control kids - from hostage negotiators - clickhere.)Now its a conversation and theyre learning something other than why youre a meanie. So how do you tell children no without a screaming match - and teach them self-control at the same time?6)Reframe a no into a conditional yesYes, you can watch more TV - after dinner. Its not a magic spell but itll often meet with less resistance than a flat No more TV.Obviously, some things are non-negotiable No, you cannot perform an appendectomy on the family dog. But often you can phrase things with this formula and help them learn about boundaries and self-control with a lot less drama.FromN o-Drama DisciplineAn out-and-out no can be much harder to accept than a yes with conditions. No, especially if said in a harsh and dismissive tone, can automatically activate a reactive state in a child (or anyone). In the brain, reactivity can involve the impulse to fight, flee, freeze, or, in extreme cases, faint. In contrast, a supportive yes statement, even when not permitting a behavior, turns on the social engagement circuitry, making the brain receptive to whats happening, making learning more likely, and promoting connections with others.(To learn 4 vital parenting tips, clickhere.)Now you know how to say no. So how else can we discipline children - without making them hate us in the process?7)Emphasize the positiveSay what you want, not what youdontwant.I need you to brush your teeth and find your backpack, beats,Stop messing around and get ready, youre going to be late for schoolAnd make sure to praise them when they do things you like. If every time you open your mouth o nly criticism comes out, what feelings do you think theyre instinctively going to associate with you? Yup.(To learn the 10 steps to making your kids smarter, clickhere.)So whats a good way to sidestep drama altogether - and have a laugh in the process?8)Creatively approach the situationBe playful. If theres a toy on the floor where it shouldnt be, try a dramatic pratfall instead of a stern glare. Instead of arguing about getting into the car, become a scary monster and chase them into it.With some creativity you can get your point across in a way that reduces defensiveness.FromNo-Drama DisciplineWhen we exercise response flexibility, we use our prefrontal cortex, which is central to our upstairs brain and the skills of executive functions. Engaging this part of our brain during a disciplinary moment makes it far more likely that well also be able to conjure up empathy, attuned communication, and even the ability to calm our own reactivity.(To learn the 10 steps to raising happy kid s, clickhere.)So we know a lot of ways to defuse conflict - but how do we teach them some valuable life skills and reduce the intensity of the next meltdown?9)Teach mindsight toolsSiegel and Bryson basically mean teaching your kidsmindfulness. You want to focus on making sure they learn to not just merelyexperiencetheir emotions, but alsoobservetheir emotions.Teaching your child to ask, What is my brain doing right now? allows them to step back from the chaos going on in their head and study it, versus being consumed by it. You dont want a child that is overwhelmed by feelings or denies their feelings. You want your kid tonoticetheir feelings - and do something about them.This teaches them they dont have to be stuck in a negative mood. They dont have to be a victim to external events or their whirlwind emotions. With practice they can cope with feelings and take charge of their behavior.FromNo-Drama DisciplineBrain studies reveal that we actually have two different circuits- an ex periencing circuit and an observing circuit. They are different, but each is important, and integrating them means building both and then linking them. We want our kids to not only feel their feelings and sense their sensations, but also to be able to notice how their body feels, to be able to witness their own emotions.(To learn the 20 simple secrets of happy families, clickhere.)Okay, weve learned a lot. Lets round it all up and discover what to do when you screw the above up Sum upHeres how neuroscience can help you be an amazing parentConnect Communicate comfort, validate feelings, listen and reflect.Reduce Words Seriously, when have lectures ever worked?Embrace Emotions All feelings are permitted all behaviors are not.Describe, Dont Preach All daddys shoes are in the refrigerator.Involve Your Child In The Discipline Whats a way to express your gemeindewiese that doesnt involve anyone getting 27 stitches?Reframe A No Into A Conditional Yes Yes, you can watch Toy Story for the 40 0th time - after mommy finishes this wonderful blog post shes reading.Emphasize The PositiveInstead ofNo whining, try, I like it when you talk in your normal voice. Can you say that again?Creatively Approach The Situation Ill bet I can eat my vegetables faster than you can.Teach Mindsight Tools Teach them to notice their emotions. You cant improve how you deal with something if youre not aware of it.Youre not always going to be perfect. (I really hope this did not come as a surprise.) But even your mistakes as a parent can be valuable if you handle them right.FromNo-Drama DisciplineThen they get to see you model how to apologize and make things right. They experience that when there is conflict and argument, there can be repair, and things become good again. This helps them feel safe and not so afraid in future relationships they learn to trust, and even expect, that calm and connection will follow conflict. Plus, they learn that their actions affect other peoples emotions and beha vior. Finally, they see that youre not perfect, so they wont expect themselves to be, either.In myemail newsletternext week Ill be including a PDF cheat sheet of many techniques that Siegel and Bryson recommend. To make sure you dont miss it, joinhere.So it all comes down to connect and redirect. And when you screw up, dont worry.Apologize, make a joke, try again.You want your kids to know that everyone makes mistakes and that anger doesnt last forever.Children need to know that arguments happen - but that doesnt mean people stop loving you.Join over 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticlefirst appeared onBarking Up The Wrong Tree.New neuroscience reveals 9 rituals that will make you an amazing parentWhen kids behave, things are easy. The problem is when you need to discipline them. Most parents know which methods theydontwant to use to correct their children, but arent as sure which methods theyshoulduse.So what is discipline? The word comes from the Lat in disciplina - which means to teach. And, in the end, thats what we need more of. Every time a kid misbehaves its an opportunity to teach them valuable skills like empathy, self-control, problem-solving, and dealing with emotions.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreMerely punishing kids might stop bad behavior in the short-term but without a lesson, all it teaches them is that whomever has more power gets to enforce their arbitrary rules. (Hint this does not bode well for their future relationships.)Yes, you want them to stop painting the toilet purple but you also want them to learn to consider the feelings of others, and build other long-term skills that will help them lead successful, happy lives. And you want them to feel closer to you after a dispute, not further away.FromNo-Drama DisciplineThe research is really clear on this point. Kids who achieve the best outcomes in lif e- emotionally, relationally, and even educationally- have parents who raise them with a high degree of connection and nurturing, while also communicating and maintaining clear limits and high expectations. Their parents remain consistent while still interacting with them in a way that communicates love, respect, and compassion. As a result, the kids are happier, do better in school, get into less trouble, and enjoy more meaningful relationships.So how the heck do you do all this? (No, a taser is not involved.)You want to connect and redirect. This is the system recommended by Daniel Siegel,clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, and Tina Payne Bryson, a pediatric and adolescent psychotherapist.They are the New York Times bestselling authors ofNo-Drama Discipline The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Childs Developing Mind.Okay, lets get to it 1) ConnectIf your kid is in mid-yell or mid-cry,they cannot hear what you are saying. Reread that. Get it tattooed on your body. How logical are you when youre overwhelmed by emotion? And you expect a kid to be any different?So immediately doling out punishments will rarely be processed and just escalate an already bad situation. You need to connect.Connection means showing that youre on their side while still maintaining boundaries. You need to tune into their feelings and show them that you understand. This helps move them from reactivity to receptivity. It allows the emotion to dissipate so they can start using their thinky brain instead of their emotional brain. Connection has 4 partsCommunicate ComfortThey cry, you yell and things get worse, not better. Sound familiar? Because its now a fight for power instead of a conversation. AsNYPD hostage negotiatorsknow, behavior is contagious. If you want to be in a fight, by all means, give an angry look, raise your voice and wag your index finger.If you want this to be a somewhat sane interaction, act like it is one. Communicate co mfort. Make them feel safe.ValidateHow do you react when someone dismisses your feelings and tells you stop making a big deal out of this and just calm down? Exactly. So dont expect a child to be any better at it.Validate their feelings - though not all their actions. They need to feel understood in order to calm down. Until the big emotions are out of their way, logic is powerless.ListenYour child is really angry about something. You know what always works? A really long lecture. Going on a rant to someone screaming at the top of their lungs is incredibly effective in showing them the error of their ways and getting them to calm down. No child wouldeverrespond by tuning you out. And make sure to repeat the same points over and over. People love this, especially surly teenagersUm, no.They wont process a thing until they get to talk about how they feel and you show them you understand. So listen.ReflectWhen they tell you how they feel, repeat it back to them. You want to show, not t ell.If you say, I know how you feel theyll reply, No, you dont If you say,It really upset you that I wouldnt let you build a nuclear reactor in the basement theyll say, Exactly.After you communicate comfort, validate feelings, listen and reflect, ask yourself one questionAre they ready to hear, learn, and understand? If not, repeat the steps.Whoops, actually theres a second question to ask yourself AmIready? Because if youre overly emotional this will not go well. They need to be calm - but so do you.(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Okay, so youve connected. Now its time to redirect. Thats an acronym because 8 more steps is a lot to remember, especially after junior decides to give the living room wall an unapproved mural. So lets start with R 2)Reduce wordsAgain, listening beats lecturing. If you regularly bemoan your childs short attention span then you should know better than to launch into an hour-long keynote on proper behavior. If it is a big issue, ask questions and guide a conversation, but dont lecture.FromNo-Drama DisciplineWe strongly suggest that when you redirect, you resist the urge to overtalk. Of course its important to address the issue and teach the lesson. But in doing so, keep it succinct. Regardless of the age of your children, long lectures arent likely to make them want to listen to you more. Instead, youll just be flooding them with more information and sensory input. As a result, theyll often simply tune you out.(To learn how to raise emotionally intelligent kids, clickhere.)Alright, youre being brief and getting to the point. Whats next?3)Embrace emotionsAll feelings are permitted all behavior is not. Do not insist that their emotions be rational or make sense. (If the world was always rational and made sense, you wouldnt be having this fight and Id be married to Olivia Wilde.)FromNo-Drama Disciplineits what we do as a result of our emotions that determines whether our behavior is OK or not OK. So our message to our children should be, You can feel whatever you feel, but you cant always do whatever you want to do.(To learn how to make sure your kids have grit, clickhere.)Youre being brief and accepting their feelings. Cool. Now how do you actually correct a child?4)Describe, dont preachParents always wonder why their kids tune them out. The answer is simplebecause they know what youre going to say and then you say it anyway.Chances are, they know what they did was wrong. So instead of lecturing, just call attention to whatever they didThe couch is on fire.This is less likely to put them on the defensive or lead them to tune you out.FromNo-Drama DisciplineThe natural tendency for many parents is to criticize and preach when our kids do something we dont like. In most disciplinary situations, though, those responses simply arent necessary. Instead, we can simply describe what were seeing, and our kids will get what were saying just as cl early as they do when we yell and disparage and nitpick. And theyll receive that message with much less defensiveness and drama.(To learn the science of being a better parent, clickhere.)You gave a description instead of a TED talk. Awesome. But the only way youre really going to get them to learn anything is if theyre engaged 5)Involve your child in the disciplineThis needs to be a dialogue, not summary judgment. Ask questions. Get them to suggest how the situation should be handled and youllorganically shift into talking about right and wrong, and how other people are impacted by your childs behavior. This is how they learn empathy and problem-solving.FromNo-Drama DisciplineOnce youve connected and your child is ready and receptive, you can simply initiate a dialogue that leads first toward insight (I know you know the rule, so Im wondering what was going on for you that led you to this) and then toward empathy and integrative repair (What do you think that was like for her, and h ow could you make things right?).(To learn how to deal with out-of-control kids - from hostage negotiators - clickhere.)Now its a conversation and theyre learning something other than why youre a meanie. So how do you tell children no without a screaming match - and teach them self-control at the same time?6)Reframe a no into a conditional yesYes, you can watch more TV - after dinner. Its not a magic spell but itll often meet with less resistance than a flat No more TV.Obviously, some things are non-negotiable No, you cannot perform an appendectomy on the family dog. But often you can phrase things with this formula and help them learn about boundaries and self-control with a lot less drama.FromNo-Drama DisciplineAn out-and-out no can be much harder to accept than a yes with conditions. No, especially if said in a harsh and dismissive tone, can automatically activate a reactive state in a child (or anyone). In the brain, reactivity can involve the impulse to fight, flee, freeze, or, in extreme cases, faint. In contrast, a supportive yes statement, even when not permitting a behavior, turns on the social engagement circuitry, making the brain receptive to whats happening, making learning more likely, and promoting connections with others.(To learn 4 vital parenting tips, clickhere.)Now you know how to say no. So how else can we discipline children - without making them hate us in the process?7)Emphasize the positiveSay what you want, not what youdontwant.I need you to brush your teeth and find your backpack, beats,Stop messing around and get ready, youre going to be late for schoolAnd make sure to praise them when they do things you like. If every time you open your mouth only criticism comes out, what feelings do you think theyre instinctively going to associate with you? Yup.(To learn the 10 steps to making your kids smarter, clickhere.)So whats a good way to sidestep drama altogether - and have a laugh in the process?8)Creatively approach the situation Be playful. If theres a toy on the floor where it shouldnt be, try a dramatic pratfall instead of a stern glare. Instead of arguing about getting into the car, become a scary monster and chase them into it.With some creativity you can get your point across in a way that reduces defensiveness.FromNo-Drama DisciplineWhen we exercise response flexibility, we use our prefrontal cortex, which is central to our upstairs brain and the skills of executive functions. Engaging this part of our brain during a disciplinary moment makes it far more likely that well also be able to conjure up empathy, attuned communication, and even the ability to calm our own reactivity.(To learn the 10 steps to raising happy kids, clickhere.)So we know a lot of ways to defuse conflict - but how do we teach them some valuable life skills and reduce the intensity of the next meltdown?9)Teach mindsight toolsSiegel and Bryson basically mean teaching your kidsmindfulness. You want to focus on making sure they learn to not just merelyexperiencetheir emotions, but alsoobservetheir emotions.Teaching your child to ask, What is my brain doing right now? allows them to step back from the chaos going on in their head and study it, versus being consumed by it. You dont want a child that is overwhelmed by feelings or denies their feelings. You want your kid tonoticetheir feelings - and do something about them.This teaches them they dont have to be stuck in a negative mood. They dont have to be a victim to external events or their whirlwind emotions. With practice they can cope with feelings and take charge of their behavior.FromNo-Drama DisciplineBrain studies reveal that we actually have two different circuits- an experiencing circuit and an observing circuit. They are different, but each is important, and integrating them means building both and then linking them. We want our kids to not only feel their feelings and sense their sensations, but also to be able to notice how their body feels, to be a ble to witness their own emotions.(To learn the 20 simple secrets of happy families, clickhere.)Okay, weve learned a lot. Lets round it all up and discover what to do when you screw the above up Sum upHeres how neuroscience can help you be an amazing parentConnect Communicate comfort, validate feelings, listen and reflect.Reduce Words Seriously, when have lectures ever worked?Embrace Emotions All feelings are permitted all behaviors are not.Describe, Dont Preach All daddys shoes are in the refrigerator.Involve Your Child In The Discipline Whats a way to express your anger that doesnt involve anyone getting 27 stitches?Reframe A No Into A Conditional Yes Yes, you can watch Toy Story for the 400th time - after mommy finishes this wonderful blog post shes reading.Emphasize The PositiveInstead ofNo whining, try, I like it when you talk in your normal voice. Can you say that again?Creatively Approach The Situation Ill bet I can eat my vegetables faster than you can.Teach Mindsight Tools Teach them to notice their emotions. You cant improve how you deal with something if youre not aware of it.Youre not always going to be perfect. (I really hope this did not come as a surprise.) But even your mistakes as a parent can be valuable if you handle them right.FromNo-Drama DisciplineThen they get to see you model how to apologize and make things right. They experience that when there is conflict and argument, there can be repair, and things become good again. This helps them feel safe and not so afraid in future relationships they learn to trust, and even expect, that calm and connection will follow conflict. Plus, they learn that their actions affect other peoples emotions and behavior. Finally, they see that youre not perfect, so they wont expect themselves to be, either.In myemail newsletternext week Ill be including a PDF cheat sheet of many techniques that Siegel and Bryson recommend. To make sure you dont miss it, joinhere.So it all comes down to connect and redirect . And when you screw up, dont worry.Apologize, make a joke, try again.You want your kids to know that everyone makes mistakes and that anger doesnt last forever.Children need to know that arguments happen - but that doesnt mean people stop loving you.Join over 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticlefirst appeared onBarking Up The Wrong Tree.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will ersatzdarsteller your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people